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Friday, June 24, 2011

High School Sucked, Get Over it.

I don't understand why so many adults wish they could go back to high school. Stealing your parents' wine coolers and acne were the best years of your life?

Thanks for ruining any hopes of a happy adulthood for me.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Everybody Drives- Get Over It.

One of my best friends got his driver's permit today. It made me realize how whenever someone says 'oh, I got my permit', everyone makes some unintentionally snotty comment along the lines of 'uh oh, now I'd better get off the road! Hahahahahahahahahahahahah!'.

You could have been driving in junior league auto races since you were 10 and yet everyone feels the need to make some sort of comment. Even the little twats who don't have their permit make remarks. 'Oh, I guess I'd better wait a bit to start driving!'. No. Stop it. Now.

Slightly related: I also hate people who wait too long to get their licenses. Come on, you're a legal adult; if you're not going to move out of your parents' house, or at least go to college, get a goddamn car and a job. You may be able to list all of the characters in every Final Fantasy ever, that doesn't give you street cred, or any 'cred' at all. Knock it off and quit your bitching, upper-middle class suburban white fat kid.

(I can say all that because I'm a lower-middle class country white girl, who has not yet disappointed my parents. Just wait a few years until I'm broke, struggling through college, and up to my ears in student loans. You'll see.)

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Dog is Trying to Kill Me

Edit because this made the front page of graphjam! You saw it here folks. The original.

Success in Getting Fourthmeal Should be Worth at Least a Medal

It's nearly 1 AM and like every other teenager up this late at night, I'm starving for fourthmeal. Still living with my family (because I'm too young to legally live on my own), obtaining this 'fourthmeal' is one hell of an adventure. Getting out of my room is the first goal. No, my room isn't a huge mess, but my room is next to the hallway where my younger brother's overly-affectionate puppy waits for me, in the process usually having one or more 'accidents on the floor'. It's getting to the point that I'm pretty sure this dog is just out to get me. At 1am, I sneak out in the hall, all the while trying to be silent. Another obstacle that presents itself only in the deep of night is the fact that most people are easily woken up by bursts of light. In order to get through the hall around my younger brother's puppy's presents, but I have to do so in the dark, as to not wake up sleeping relatives.

So far, to recap, my mission includes exiting the room, avoiding puppy shit. Crossing the hall to close the doors to my relatives room, avoiding puppy shit. Turning on the light so on the way back up, once I've reached my target, I don't kill myself falling in a puddle of puppy shit. The next goal is to go downstairs and find something to eat. Of course this is where I realize night after night that there are about seven million different potential ingredients in the kitchen, but there is not one quick, decent tasting recipe to combine any of them in any sort of logical way. This leaves only room for illogical combinations of food. Once I've butchered some classical recipe I may or may not have once seen on the food network, I start returning upstairs. With meal and beverage, I normally don't have a free hand, which means turning off all of the lights I've passed on my way up with my elbow.

Finally, I'm back in front of my room, however in order to keep a pile of puppy shit from infiltrating my bedroom, I close the door firmly. It cannot be kicked or shoved open, I know. Instead, I transform into the world's largest successful contortionist, managing to twist myself so I can turn off the hall light, balance my food, open the door with a complete twist of the knob, all while avoiding puppy shit. Once in, I quickly dump all of the food, close the door and get back to whatever load of late night crap I was watching before I went to grab snacks.

I'm sorry, but I would like to see Mike Phelps beat the sort of times I've gotten. Chicken parm in five minutes flat? Done.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Prince of Persia is full of Stupidity

Never have I seen a movie where so many people grab a dagger by the blade. Come on guys. It's a dagger.

I also will admit, I don't understand the premise of the dagger itself... If the gods were so pissed off at humanity for the egregious amount of violence they were prone to, why, of all things, did they give them a symbolic KNIFE. That seems pretty violent. Why not the Small Toy Elephant of Time, or the Lovely Hair Pin of Time. It just had to be an item that could invoke more violence, huh? Bastards.

Netflix Thinks I'm on Crack.

I love Netflix. Netflix is the best thing to ever happen to anyone who has a summer vacation. Why? Netflix is a nearly unlimited plethora of movies and TV shows that you've never even heard of, and they're all ripe for the taking. Mailing DVDs? Sure, that's a great way to get the movies you actually want to see, but my favorite part is definitely the streaming service.

I mostly love the streaming service for two reasons. First of all, the suggestions are nonsensical, to put it nicely. You like Crazy Zombie Bloodbath 3? Let us suggest March of the Penguins. (That's based on a true story, I swear.) It also suggest titles I've not even remotely heard of before. Thankskilling? Sure, I've got an hour to kill! (That's also based on a true story. One of my guy friends made me watch it. It's REALLY NSFW...) In this way, Netflix forces its users to find things they like outside of the normal comfort-zone genres. The suggestions are also based on user input. Since I share a Netflix account with my entire family, our suggestions are everywhere. Scooby Doo, Zodiac, Cannibal! The musical!, Ong Bak: Thai Warrior, they're all mushed in there. Granted, I use it the most, so a lot of the suggestions are relevant to me. When my 20-something brother tries to look up racing and action flicks, though, he's forced to drudge through swamps of stand up comedy and gory operas just to find one flick that he may or may not like. He'll watch it anyway, though, because really, what loser uses the search button?

The other reason I love the streaming service? Instant gratification. When I see a movie about zombie grandmothers, I want to watch it and I want to watch it NOW goddamnit! With streaming, I click play and go. No screwing around here. Instant gratification.

Netflix is my best friend, whether it's wasting all of my exam study time watching Reaper, or whittling away the summer with Hey Arnold, It's like getting to be a kid again. I can effectively say "Hey world, fuck off, I'm choosing to watch TV over deal with your kind of shit!" It's awesome being unemployed... for now.

Unrelated: I want more music festivals! NPR music was amazing and streamed the Sasquatch music festival, which was easily the best three days of my almost summer vacation. The bummer is, since school ran a few days over, (snow days, you guys are dicks.) I only got to be lulled to sleep by the Death Cab for Cutie set... I want summer music festivals where I can hang out all day and night in jeans and a tank-top and listen to music, whether I'm at the festival itself or not. (Ideally, I would be at the festival, but the soonest and nearest one to me is the famous Musikfest... Arrogant worms, I think YES.)

Anyway. More live music. Please.

Monday, June 20, 2011

How to Kill a Good Story

"Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Frank and I went out on a date and he ended up punching a drunk after the guy reached up my skirt and split his lip?"
"No."
"Oh... well he did."

Welcome to the Internet

I love the people who get offended by blog posts. I'm always tempted to ask if they're genuinely offended, or did they just not get their 'Welcome to the internet, and also fuck you' muffin basket.