Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Should you because famous for being famous, your family name becomes a brand, a scent, and your sole identity, and you use that fame to make an ass of yourself, your name shall promptly be taken away and replaced with first and last numbers.
Take note, Kardashians, or should I say Family Unit 112343.
(Intelligent family members would be able to keep their name, or change it freely, based on the assholes they were forced to live with, however appearing on Dancing With the Stars automatically revokes this right.)
... You're welcome, World.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
What's that teacher whom I dislike? Paper must be typed in Arial? How about 'Screw You'?
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Try getting measles, cholera, chicken pox, tetanus, pertussis, diphtheria, mumps, rubella, rabies, polio, smallpox, yellow fever... etc. Quit your bitching and get the damn shot.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I just want to kindly thank you for all you've done to screw up society.
I know, us kids have 'bad influences', like the music we listen to that you produce, like the violent movies and TV that you create, like the spoiled brats that you pay to spoil, like the commercialization of society which you fund, and like the loss of personal history that you didn't deem important enough to pass on.
I'm sorry that the governments of the world seem increasingly broken, they've been that way since 'Grown-Ups' have been running them. I'm sorry the economy is tanking, maybe you should talk to the 'Grown-Ups' in congress. I'm sorry there's race riots and famine and families that can't support each other. I think that's because of those 'Grown-Ups' who fail to see all people as equals unless there's money to be had. I'm sorry for religious extremism. It seems like you should blame that on the 'Grown-Ups' who raise their children without a shadow of choice or hold their families to their own extreme beliefs. I'm sorry there's violence, you could ask the children of 'Grown-Ups' who've beaten them their entire lives why they think that it's okay to lash out at others.
TL;DR: Thanks, 'Grown-Ups', now stop touching stuff, you're making it worse.
Talk to me when you'd like a bit of insight,
-One of those 'Damned Kids'
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Monday, August 8, 2011
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
For example: "An important recall affecting hundreds nationwide, find out what it is and if you're affected at 11."
Oh, that's peachy. I'll just sit on the floor and not touch ANYTHING until 11, so I'm safe until you tell me about the product that may or may not KILL me. That's cool, really guys.
Don't even lie, gentlemen, you're thinking about that.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
First of all, why would you even do that in the first place? What on earth would be behind the curtain that wouldn't just ambush you as soon as you entered the room?
Second of all, what would you do if there was (on the extremely off chance) someone or something with bad intentions behind the curtain?
Let's be honest, that's just silly. (Now excuse me while I check under my bed for dead bodies and in my closet for dinosaurs.)
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Dear severely overweight douchebag who I had to share a lift with in the St. Louis Arch:
I know, it takes 4 solid minutes to get to the top, but that does not give you the right to fill that 4 minute time span with talk of how the lifts got stuck for two hours in 110 degree heat only two weeks ago. If the ride had been 4 minutes and 30 seconds, you would have been unconscious by the end.
The girl who was blocking you out by singing rock songs featured in movies.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Friday, June 24, 2011
Thursday, June 23, 2011
You could have been driving in junior league auto races since you were 10 and yet everyone feels the need to make some sort of comment. Even the little twats who don't have their permit make remarks. 'Oh, I guess I'd better wait a bit to start driving!'. No. Stop it. Now.
Slightly related: I also hate people who wait too long to get their licenses. Come on, you're a legal adult; if you're not going to move out of your parents' house, or at least go to college, get a goddamn car and a job. You may be able to list all of the characters in every Final Fantasy ever, that doesn't give you street cred, or any 'cred' at all. Knock it off and quit your bitching, upper-middle class suburban white fat kid.
(I can say all that because I'm a lower-middle class country white girl, who has not yet disappointed my parents. Just wait a few years until I'm broke, struggling through college, and up to my ears in student loans. You'll see.)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
So far, to recap, my mission includes exiting the room, avoiding puppy shit. Crossing the hall to close the doors to my relatives room, avoiding puppy shit. Turning on the light so on the way back up, once I've reached my target, I don't kill myself falling in a puddle of puppy shit. The next goal is to go downstairs and find something to eat. Of course this is where I realize night after night that there are about seven million different potential ingredients in the kitchen, but there is not one quick, decent tasting recipe to combine any of them in any sort of logical way. This leaves only room for illogical combinations of food. Once I've butchered some classical recipe I may or may not have once seen on the food network, I start returning upstairs. With meal and beverage, I normally don't have a free hand, which means turning off all of the lights I've passed on my way up with my elbow.
Finally, I'm back in front of my room, however in order to keep a pile of puppy shit from infiltrating my bedroom, I close the door firmly. It cannot be kicked or shoved open, I know. Instead, I transform into the world's largest successful contortionist, managing to twist myself so I can turn off the hall light, balance my food, open the door with a complete twist of the knob, all while avoiding puppy shit. Once in, I quickly dump all of the food, close the door and get back to whatever load of late night crap I was watching before I went to grab snacks.
I'm sorry, but I would like to see Mike Phelps beat the sort of times I've gotten. Chicken parm in five minutes flat? Done.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
I also will admit, I don't understand the premise of the dagger itself... If the gods were so pissed off at humanity for the egregious amount of violence they were prone to, why, of all things, did they give them a symbolic KNIFE. That seems pretty violent. Why not the Small Toy Elephant of Time, or the Lovely Hair Pin of Time. It just had to be an item that could invoke more violence, huh? Bastards.
I mostly love the streaming service for two reasons. First of all, the suggestions are nonsensical, to put it nicely. You like Crazy Zombie Bloodbath 3? Let us suggest March of the Penguins. (That's based on a true story, I swear.) It also suggest titles I've not even remotely heard of before. Thankskilling? Sure, I've got an hour to kill! (That's also based on a true story. One of my guy friends made me watch it. It's REALLY NSFW...) In this way, Netflix forces its users to find things they like outside of the normal comfort-zone genres. The suggestions are also based on user input. Since I share a Netflix account with my entire family, our suggestions are everywhere. Scooby Doo, Zodiac, Cannibal! The musical!, Ong Bak: Thai Warrior, they're all mushed in there. Granted, I use it the most, so a lot of the suggestions are relevant to me. When my 20-something brother tries to look up racing and action flicks, though, he's forced to drudge through swamps of stand up comedy and gory operas just to find one flick that he may or may not like. He'll watch it anyway, though, because really, what loser uses the search button?
The other reason I love the streaming service? Instant gratification. When I see a movie about zombie grandmothers, I want to watch it and I want to watch it NOW goddamnit! With streaming, I click play and go. No screwing around here. Instant gratification.
Netflix is my best friend, whether it's wasting all of my exam study time watching Reaper, or whittling away the summer with Hey Arnold, It's like getting to be a kid again. I can effectively say "Hey world, fuck off, I'm choosing to watch TV over deal with your kind of shit!" It's awesome being unemployed... for now.
Unrelated: I want more music festivals! NPR music was amazing and streamed the Sasquatch music festival, which was easily the best three days of my almost summer vacation. The bummer is, since school ran a few days over, (snow days, you guys are dicks.) I only got to be lulled to sleep by the Death Cab for Cutie set... I want summer music festivals where I can hang out all day and night in jeans and a tank-top and listen to music, whether I'm at the festival itself or not. (Ideally, I would be at the festival, but the soonest and nearest one to me is the famous Musikfest... Arrogant worms, I think YES.)
Anyway. More live music. Please.