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Friday, July 29, 2011

Not-So-Breaking News!

As much as I love watching the news, there are times news stations really piss me off.

For example: "An important recall affecting hundreds nationwide, find out what it is and if you're affected at 11."
Oh, that's peachy. I'll just sit on the floor and not touch ANYTHING until 11, so I'm safe until you tell me about the product that may or may not KILL me. That's cool, really guys.

Animal Facts you'll never forget:

Did you know platypuses secret milk from their skin? It's like they have little nipples all over their bodies. Just think, every time you pet a female platypus, you automatically get to second base.

Don't even lie, gentlemen, you're thinking about that.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Oh, the Internet...

Facebook is just the poor excuse for having to deal with people whom you would normally cross the street just to avoid.

(Come on, it's true and you know it.)

Monday, July 25, 2011

Does it work on boogie men too?

I love the people that check behind the shower curtain before using a restroom. As I see it, there are a couple (more than a couple, actually, I'm just too lazy) flaws with that plan:

First of all, why would you even do that in the first place? What on earth would be behind the curtain that wouldn't just ambush you as soon as you entered the room?
Second of all, what would you do if there was (on the extremely off chance) someone or something with bad intentions behind the curtain?

Let's be honest, that's just silly. (Now excuse me while I check under my bed for dead bodies and in my closet for dinosaurs.)

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Jerk or Idiot? I remain undecided.

Dear severely overweight douchebag who I had to share a lift with in the St. Louis Arch:

I know, it takes 4 solid minutes to get to the top, but that does not give you the right to fill that 4 minute time span with talk of how the lifts got stuck for two hours in 110 degree heat only two weeks ago. If the ride had been 4 minutes and 30 seconds, you would have been unconscious by the end.

Yours Truly,

The girl who was blocking you out by singing rock songs featured in movies.

They're all also named like subway stations.

The up side to living across the landfill is the fact that animals no longer look or act like normal animals. Real-life Pokémon? I think so.

The Greatest Lesson

My favourite teacher of all time is my 8th grade algebra teacher, Mr. Fair. As much of a jerk as he was, and as much of his class as I slept through, he is the most honest teacher I've had to date. When I asked him, years ago in the 8th grade, why algebra mattered at all, he answered quickly, without looking away from the board. "It doesn't. Just learn it."


Friday, July 22, 2011

Life is a highway, after all.

Living near a highway is like having your own personal news radio station because there are people in the world whose mission it is to yell the day's important events as they go flying by at 60+.

(This is actually how I found out Michael Jackson AND Billy Mays had died. Damn you, Pennsylvania Route 512.)

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Some Game Shows Are Pretty Alright, Actually.

I have to say, The Family Feud is one of the few game shows I think I would be decent at. I feel pretty in-tune with what the general population thinks.

That being said, I would never actually play The Family Feud, because that would entail dealing with my family and faking enthusiasm when someone down the line eventually answers with "A bucket of Turds." Good answer? Good answer my ass.